I’ve been broken up

Cupid is not ok. Cupid is not fucking ok.

When I wrote about M last time it was when I told him that what I wanted was just to be loved, and he said no problem, that’s “done”.

He broke up with me, over email, unexpectedly.

There is no good way to break up with someone, it always hurts, but I think there needs to be a conversation, the worst way to do this is if it’s one-sided. He had mentioned before that he had broken up with someone over text, and I said that’s quite bad. Email is not that much better, but maybe he remembered what I said about text.

I was in shock, I did not see it coming at all, especially when the night before he was still texting normally. What happened in those 13 hours? I was angry, I felt disrespected, I texted to ask him what’s going on, I asked if we could talk calmly. No response. Then I sent an email, it was an angry email, but I didn’t leash out on him. I said I don’t think I deserve to be treated like garbage, I didn’t read his email carefully, I didn’t understand what he said. I could not.

How was it possible? There was absolutely no sign, or were there signs but I chose to ignore?

He didn’t respond for 2 days, those 2 days were hell. I spent hours talking to every friend, coming up with theories. Fortunately I had paddling practise, that took my mind off for some hours. I went 2 days in a row, until every part of my body hurts. Maybe the physical pain would take away the psychological pain, or at least distract it. I took my frustration out in the water.

I freaked out, the co-dependent me thought he might be depressed. I asked his close friends to check on him. One of them said he would, but he didn’t seem surprised. Maybe M told him already.

Last night he responded, maybe after talking to his friends. In the email he said he can’t handle the distance, he feels stuck, not being able to move on because he hasn’t been able to sell his house, and that has been giving him pressure. I can see his pressure and anxiety coming from many different places, at the core of it is the house, but his family has been giving him pressure also. And the fact that I have been positive and supportive actually made him feel guilty and frustrated, because he’s not able to have a clear picture of what’s going to happen to us in the future. And he’s scared. Maybe he’s afraid this is just another fantasy, that he’s going to make another mistake in life like this one he’s experiencing right now. He doesn’t have the faith that we would be together in the end.

I was relieved that he replied. And I responded with a long positive message. I told him there are things in life that we can’t control, I understand he’s under a lot of pressure, and I know how cruel distance can be. I told him the many good qualities he has and that’s why I love him, and he’s worthy of love and happiness. Whether we stay together or not I want him to be happy, I have told him that in person before. I told him I’m hurt and I’m heartbroken, but he doesn’t have to blame himself for that.

I love him. And I want him to be ok. I want him to be able to work out his issues on his own. I know I became a source of pressure for him because of the distance, and I’m ok if breaking up with me makes him feel better.

That was the co-dependent me, behaving like a saint, sacrificing myself for his well-being.

But everything changed today. Things started to sink in. I’m broken. I’m defeated. I’m not ok. I have a huge hole in my heart that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Is it really as hard as breaking up with X, the one I stayed with for 17 years? The level of pain is comparable. I don’t know if I’m actually sick but I feel nauseous. My head hurts from crying. It seems like all I do is cry when I’m alone. Being with friends doesn’t help because when I’m home at night I still cry, and when I got up in the morning I cried.

Is it even worth it? Why do people try to find love just to get terrible heartaches? I really thought we could make it, the distance is not easy but I was just getting used to it, and I was just starting to feel quite secure about us. I know he was the right person, but I ignored the fact that it’s the wrong place and the wrong timing. And that’s what’s hurting the most. He was right for me. I’m losing hope. This is worse than hell.

To love and be loved

I’m back to my city after a long and fortunately not very eventful flight (apart from the usual crying babies but thank god for headphones).

Before coming back I spent a week in southern France with M, which again I think gave me a chance to see how life would be like living with him, and same goes for him too. It was incredibly fun and sweet. We both have similar easy-going laid back kind of attitude to things (but he is definitely more laid back), but having said that, no two people are identical in their preferences and the way they think, and that’s why for me it’s important to be open and direct about things. I just hope I don’t come across as “whiny” when I say things out loud.

On the first night I arrived he took me to a beach, it was a bit touristy but still nice, and we had a lovely meal there. As we were leaving he asked if I wanted to see something else or go back straight away. I know he is full of surprises so I went along and said I wanted to see something else first. I thought it was going to be a quiet lake or something like that but it was quite the opposite. He took me to a SAND DUNE!!! It was cool at first but as I was climbing up the dune (there were stairs but he didn’t let me use them) I couldn’t help but kept reminding him that I have short legs. Eventually I gave up and climbed the stairs instead. The view must’ve been magnificent during the day but it was night time when we were there so all we could see was a sky full of stars, which was very romantic, and having not seen each other for just a few days things started heating up quite quickly as we were lying on the sand “watching” the stars. There were a few groups of teenagers and couples scattered across the dune, we were not close enough to them that they could hear us, but we decided to find a more secluded spot. I knew he wanted me badly, so even though I’m not a big fan of having sex in public with absolutely no shelter (not even a tent), I went along with it. With sand in my face and mouth and every crevice of my body, surely I knew I was not going to come, but it was still extremely hot and quite out-of-this-world – literally “seeing stars” while doing it. It’s definitely one of the most memorable places I’ve ever had sex on.

I have half-jokingly told him before that I wanted to have sex with him on every surface in his house, so he will have some good memories of me in it, but I was definitely not planning on that outside his house as well. Still, it is quite awesome to think that he will think of me (and the fond memories) next time he goes to the dune or talks about it with his friends.

Having sex in the middle of the night in the wild might be fun, but it’s not without consequences. We didn’t get caught or anything, but I didn’t realise how far this place was from his place, so after that we still had to drive for a few hours back to his place. And we ended up having to nap at a gas station and getting back completely knackered. It was 5am by the time we got back.

Sleep deprived the next day, we didn’t venture out far. He cooked a big meal for lunch and after that we went into the city to the tourism centre to try and get some information for me, as I wanted to do some day tours while he’s working during the week. After that we had a smoothie, bought groceries and went back – nothing spectacular.

He was very tired again after we got back, it’s like he was drained from the night of driving, so he went for a nap. I was not sure how much time had passed but the more aggressive person in me started feeling a bit bored and cranky, so I started pouring myself a drink. After a while I started making dinner. I was probably on my second glass of whiskey coke when he emerged, still looking very sleepy. I was slightly pissed off already and I told him I’m bored and I felt like we haven’t done much for the day. Sometimes I think we are like a big gear and a small gear, moving at different speed, it takes a bit of practise to find a rhythm that works for both of us. Then he started hugging and kissing me i.e. exactly what I told him to do when I’m pissed off, and that made me feel a bit better. I should’ve stopped drinking at dinner but I wanted to keep going, trying to get rid of the negative feelings perhaps. And I opened up and explained to him again why I had been mean and demanding to him, it’s partly because I could not control my own jealousy even though I know I can trust him that he would tell me if anything happened between him and his female friends or his ex, but it’s also at least partly because there’s this time pressure on me, he always said he wanted a family, and I want to make him happy. He’s always so kind and always looking out for people, I want to look out for him and make his dream come true. But THEN he told me he’s not even sure if that’s what he wants now, after seeing so many of his friends becoming more and more unhappy with kids and the burden of having a family. That’s quite a big change, but I understand that change. So he said, I don’t have to worry about that for now. And then he asked me, what do I want then?

I thought for a moment, and then decided to tell him the truth.

I just want to be loved. 

Done. He said.

I went over to hug him, and I found myself crying.

The summer rendezvous

I had my dream of the tower while I was in France with M. Since then we’ve only been apart for 2 days really, he was here with me in London.

Everything is so great when we are together, but something is different. When I was in France last weekend, we had sex (of course), but I didn’t manage to come at all. It was still good but I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s me trying too hard to please him but was not able to relax, or it was just a bit rough. Not that I don’t like rough sex, but after a month of not seeing M, perhaps I’d prefer a bit more tenderness.

I know he’s under a lot of stress in France, he needed to find a job, even if it’s temporary, and he needs to sell his house asap, but at the same time, it’s a place he spent a lot of time and effort in. I wasn’t able to understand the mixed feelings until I was there to see for myself. I could imagine the energy he spent in making the house his dream home, with input from his ex too. It was a collaborative piece of art.

I also know that he’s stressed just from being inside the house, because he’s living inside a place that’s giving him the biggest headache currently. He needs to let it go, but it’s not easy to let it go. Now I seem to be able to understand better what’s been causing this much frustration. I do think that sex is a way to express yourself, and maybe that’s why it was a bit rough while I was there, it’s probably partly caused by his frustration, and also partly because we’ve not had sex for a month. He took my butt virginity – and I will not elaborate, again, not trying to write 50 shades of grey here. But I need to mention it because I never thought I’d be ok with that, maybe I was a little drunk but ok, I agreed to it so it was totally with my full consent. So that was the kind of rough sex we had. Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but I just wasn’t able to come.

Things were quite different when he got to London. He was a lot more tender, and I was a lot more turned on, and the exchange felt more intimate, psychologically. The poor guy made a mistake when he got his plane tickets and got the wrong dates, and because it was budget airlines he wasn’t able to change it without paying the same as a new ticket, so he basically paid twice. I felt really bad when he told me that, because I was the one forcing him to confirm his trip, and so he did even though he was really tired and stressed out on that day, and hence the mistake. When I said I was sorry about the tickets, he said it’s worth it just to see me, being able to see me is worth the price of tickets to New York, he said. It was really, really sweet. But I also know that it was the day when he was stressed out because his ex hadn’t paid the bills for months, so I think it’s slightly more complicated than just wanting to see me. He wanted to escape from it all, even if it’s just temporary.

Escapism is his thing. He knows what needs to be done, but when he’s too stressed he’d want to escape, which is quite normal I think. I’d probably be the same too if I was in his shoes.

I was working on weekdays so even though he arrived on Tuesday, it felt like we didn’t have that much time together until the weekend. Still, we managed to do quite a lot of things including meeting up with some of my friends and visiting museums. He did a lot of touristy things, which I thought was good since he had never done it before. We also managed to talk a bit more about our feelings, our past, I feel like he’s opening up more to me. In the first few months when we were going out, I thought he told me everything, but now I think I was wrong. He did tell me things, but sometimes he retreats into his shell, maybe when he felt threatened by me, or when he was hurt because I was being mean. I explained to him why I was being mean – my insecurities and jealousy, but I also told him that I don’t want him to feel pressured to do things to please me, and he should let me know if that happens. He said he’s doing things like texting me everyday, which he has not done with any of his previous gfs. And when he told his ex about the way I’ve reacted (yes they’re like BFFs now), she admitted that my expectations were normal, it’s just that she was more indifferent to him and he had gotten used to that, but that he should pay more attention to me.

I still find it weird that he seems to talk about everything with his ex, maybe I’m still a bit jealous, or I wish I could do the same with X – I struggled with telling him where I was last weekend, but he did ask, and I did tell him in the end. He even asked me why I wanted to be in France, I didn’t know what to say for like 7 minutes, and then I just decided to come clean. I can’t lie to him anymore. It’s bad for him and it’s bad for me.

So even though we don’t know what’s going to happen in 6 months, or even 3 months, I feel closer to him again, and a lot less anxiety. It will be sad when I go back, especially because I don’t know when we will see each other again, we talked about Christmas, but right now we are just trying to enjoy the time we have together, who knows what’s going to happen in 3 months?

If you love something, let it go

The day after I asked M if he wanted his ex back, I woke up early as I wasn’t sleeping so well anyway. The first thing I did, as usual, was check my phone. No message. I sighed, feeling defeated once again. I must’ve been checking my phone every minute while I was getting ready to meet a friend (I tend to do that, and that’s why I’m always late, it’s horrible I know). And then I decided to say this:

“Morning, hmm not sure if you’re avoiding my question or are still asleep but I just need to ask, because you told me she doesn’t want to sell the house and that you guys are doing all these fun stuff together.”

I tried to be ok with it, but really, I think I was not cool with my bf star-gazing with the ex. Plus the fact that he hasn’t bought his tickets to London to visit.

“I trust you and that you’d tell me if anything, but I haven’t heard that you’ve confirmed your trip to London and that’s a bit unsettling for me.” I spilled it all out, without being emotional or crazy or mean. I was quite proud of myself for being mature.

12 minutes later, he replied.

“Good morning. I think me and her are still very attached to the house and still have feelings for each other, but we also know that it’s over, so we try to enjoy the time we have left.”

I told him I appreciate the honesty, and I can relate to that, because I felt the same with my ex. You see? Sometimes just being open and honest to feelings is reassuring enough. But then I asked him not to send pictures of his ex to me, because that made me jealous.

28 minutes later, he said it wasn’t her in the photo, it was just some random blonde woman (his ex is blonde). I felt so ridiculous getting jealous over a picture of some random person who had nothing to do with him. I was such an idiot.

That day I went to the Tower of London with my friend P, going out and spending time with friends make me think less and that’s good for me. I sent him pictures of the tower and he said he like stained glass. Half jokingly I said then book his tickets to see it for himself, and then I said I don’t mean to push but I realise I am quite anxious about that.

I told P what happened and she said I was letting him control me, and the way I can take back the power is to stop caring so much. Ask him like I would to a friend if he’s coming to visit, and if not I should make my own plans. I think that’s fair, but I didn’t want to sound like I’m nagging again.

We had lunch in Brick Lane and she walked over to Spitalfields market with me, I was not really in the mood to shop and P could tell I was not really interested in anything. She had to go home so we parted ways. I had a coffee and went to see the stalls again while texting J. I told J I was miserable, that this suspense was killing me, even though I have already accepted the fact that I should not be expecting anything in the future, but even just spending time together while we’re in the same continent, I don’t see him trying to make it happen. I was mad at myself for being miserable. I reminded myself of the time before I met M, when I was single and having a good time being single. I would’ve been enjoying London a lot more if I was like me back then. What happened to me? Why did I let a guy make me feel so bad?

I cried. I was on the verge of tears before that already, but thinking about just how pathetic I’ve become just did it for me. J said I was pushing him again, but then I should just not be so bothered and meet other guys – same as what Y has said before. But I don’t want to, I don’t want to lie again, and I don’t want to see other people out of spite.

Then I came across this Banksy print, and I bought it, along with 2 others. As I left the market, I told J that that’s it, he might have his reasons to procrastinate, but it’s not my problem anymore, I should not give a shit. I will just do what P said, ask him directly if he is coming to visit because I will make other plans if he’s not visiting. If he says yes then I will just take his word for it, if he doesn’t keep his promise then he can go fuck himself. And I will tell him to go fuck himself in person (because I already got tickets to see him this weekend). If it gets too expensive because he wait for too long, and then he doesn’t have money for it, that would be his fault too. I’m not his fucking mom, he’s old enough to know these things and manage finances.

If you love something, let it go

If it comes back it’s yours

If it doesn’t it never was

I came to this “relevation” as I was walking back towards Tower hill to go to the south bank. From 11:39 to 4:14 he had said nothing. As I was crossing the Tower bridge, I messaged him.

“Ok I just need to ask one more time because I’ll make other plans if you’re not going to visit.”

He told me his ex had forgotten to pay stuff for 2 months. WTF does that have to do with my question? I was like, so? He said, more things to worry about. Well guess what, I don’t fucking care.

But I remained composed in my response.

“OK, but you haven’t answered my question.”

“Yes I’ll come.”

Jesus fucking christ what took you so long?!!!!!!

“Ok good. That’s what I needed to hear.”

Just like that, I felt a lot more secure again and we were texting on and off (I’ve gotten used to the on and off by now) as usual. But we’re more polite and civil in our texts than flirtatious and sweet. I guess we are both trying to scale back, which is fine for me. I don’t want to get my expectations high again. Maybe we are moving from infatuation to love. Maybe I’m starting to understand why if you love something, you have to let it go.

Infatuation and the fear of losing

“Are you sure you don’t want her back? Maybe she also doesn’t want to let go.” I asked tonight.

It’s been a rollercoaster hell of a week for me. After I thought M wasn’t spending much time with me, I nagged, I complained, it doesn’t matter how soft the words I chose to use, and how reasonable I seemed, it was enough to make him feel inadequate, that he wasn’t doing a good job as a bf. And it backfired. I gave him so much grief that he actually said he thought he doesn’t deserve me, and he felt bad hurting me like that. We were at the verge of breaking up.

It was also during the time when his friend (a young single girl) was visiting and he was taking her around, to all those places that I said I had wanted to go to when I visit. She gets to do it first, with him, full time. But when I get there later this month, he’s going to be working. While this would’ve been a deal-breaker for a lot of girls, I trust him. Doesn’t mean I didn’t get jealous though.

I called emergency meetings with a few girl friends after that and got very different opinions. J said I was giving him too much pressure all the time, that I need to take it easy and give him more space and time. Another friend, Y said I was right to ask for what I want, and that I should also step back and think hard on whether this is what I want. So I did, I thought really hard, but first, I apologised for being pushy.

Then I read a lot of things online about having expectations, infatuation and type A personality. And it hit me – it was all of the above.

I was not only having expectations, in fact, after all those things he told me about wanting a family and all that, I was painting mental pictures in my head already. In a way I blame him for that, because I was not the one wanting those things, but because of what he said, I wanted to make it my mission to make his dream come true, maybe it’s my co-dependent personality. Maybe I just thought I could make him happy that way. Either way, many of the frustrations I had towards him, as I mentioned before, came from not seeing how he was trying to be with me. I’m not that young anymore, part of me is still scared that he would run off with a younger woman if we are in the same place but I’m no longer able to have a kid. There is that time pressure.

This, combined with my type A personality, makes me sound like this constant nagging and demanding bitch, that I never intended to be. I never thought I was but it does seem like I am a hidden type A. I like to do my best at things, and I am competitive in some ways. Thai boxing is my sport, come on. I am highly critical of myself, and when you are critical of yourself, you might project that on to others, because you expect other people to be like you, and to do things the way you would. Anyway, with expectations come disappointment. The more you expect the easier it is for you to be disappointed, many websites say that, and it’s true.

SO I have decided to let go of my expectations, and let things happen, which might mean instead of taking a year this could take years, and by which time we may or may not be together. Who knows. I was so hung up on the future that I forgot about the present, I am here, and he’s not far away, and we enjoy each other’s company, so why not make the best out of it and see how it goes? If it’s meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, no matter how hard you try, it won’t be.

I’ve also come to terms that, everyone has their own way of doing things, and I should let him do things his own way, in his own timeline. (Which means forever?)

Infatuation is a tough one. I know we have been saying “I love you” to each other, in multiple languages, it certainly felt real, but is it possible to fall in love in such a short amount of time? I wondered about that myself. Then I started reading online about infatuation – possessiveness, jealousy, urgency, erratic, rushing into things, making rash decisions, impatience, meanness, judgemental. It all seemed to fit the bill. It might have been the same for him too. And so now, when reality hits, when real things happen and when real life decisions have to be made, we can’t seem to be able to cope. For me, I wanted it to be all about me, I wanted me to be his first priority, but I was being selfish. I was not trying to be understanding about his situation. But I don’t want to be infatuated anymore, I want to turn this into real love, if he wants to also. I want to be a better person for him, a more patient, kind, loving person. And he’s been making an effort to be more responsive, but is that enough? Is he making a real effort or is it just lip service?

The thing that triggered my question tonight was, that he was supposed to come meet me in London, which we have talked about for a while, before the argument, after we made up after the argument. And he seemed keen. BUT WHY IS HE NOT BUYING THE DAMN TICKET? I checked prices many times already, and even sent him screenshots before. Is he just procrastinating because, well, he is French so he procrastinates, or is he procrastinating because he wanted prices to go up so he would have an excuse not to come? I told him a day ago that prices are still ok now but might go up (for me trying to make a trip over the next weekend, it was not cheap), no response. Today I asked again if he’s going to do that, he said it’s on his list, but on his list there’s also going star-gazing with the ex (yes, I know). By the end of the day I haven’t heard anything about tickets, and he had sent me pictures of the star-gazing, and of her (seriously). I know many sane person would’ve gone mad over this, maybe I’m one of them, and that’s why I asked that question. No response, he had gone to bed, maybe. Or just being indecisive.

My head hurts from thinking about all the possibilities. I know, I am obsessing again, but being so insecure as I have been already and not getting much reassurance is very unsettling. I know I have to let go of my fear of losing him, because again, if it’s not meant to be, it will never be. But that doesn’t mean that my question was not justified. If that is the case, I would like to know.

Sometimes, though, I think I do have double standards. Look at me, I did not even tell X that I will be going to France, because I’m afraid he would ask me what I’m doing in France and I would have to tell him. I don’t want to lie to him anymore, but at the same time, I’m still trying not to hurt him. M’s ex knows I will be there, she also knows that he’s planning to meet me in London – he had to tell her for logistics reasons. In other words, she is fully aware of me and our plans to meet up. I’m not an expert in dealing with exes, but is it possible for an “ex-couple” to be so amicable and so friendly that they would still cook meals for each other and go star-gazing together? I have to admit, I did cook for X after we broke up, and he did for me too, and we hung out for lunches and dinners and hikes, but it was more often before I met M. Still, I would’ve continued to hang out with X if he didn’t tell me that he wanted me back, because truth is, we are really good friends, and we know each other really really well, after all these years. Does that mean I want him back too? No I don’t think so, I just don’t see it working. So am I just staying up late to rant until my head hurts for no reason? I am so confused that I don’t want to think anymore, but I can’t. If somebody took my blood pressure now it would probably be so high that they’d get me sedated. If only there was an off switch for my brain without alcohol involved.

Managing expectations

I’m writing again, which means, I’m ranting again. Since when I only write about my frustrations rather than the good things? Is it because there’s no more good things to write about?

The faster a car goes the easier it is to crash and burn. Is it happening already? Are things reaching the point of no return?

I hate to be so negative, in fact, I try to be positive on a daily basis, because I get frustrated almost on a daily basis. Maybe M is too, it might seem like I am high maintenance to him, because I constantly nag for his attention, maybe it’s making him tired, and maybe, that’s why, even though we are now in the same time zone now that I’m in London, we didn’t manage to have a chat for the whole weekend. It is partly my fault, because I want to go out during the day – well I should be able to go out whenever I want and not be chained to have a chat with someone. Maybe he feels the same too, but he has a different schedule, his activities are during the day and at night, more often at night, so that leaves no time for me. It’s ironic how being in the same time zone seems to have made things worse.

Last night, I had a dream that I accidentally had a fling with X, and dreaded to tell M, even though I regretted it. Is this saying something? I have been complaining to my girl friend J that even X knows what time my plane left for London, and it never seem to have occurred to M that he should know. Maybe it’s a strange question for him to ask, but to me it is pretty standard for a bf to know and message before a gf goes on a long-haul flight. In fact, X and I used to email each other itineraries of our trips. It’s horrible to compare, but I wonder if I’m looking for something so contradictory in a person that such person might not exist. I was in a co-dependent relationship with X, he doesn’t have much of a social life, and as a result he complained when I was too busy seeing friends. In other words, he was emotionally dependent on me and needed my physical presence. I used to think that he was overbearing and controlling, and I was living in a voluntary jail because even though he complained about not seeing me much, we hardly ever did anything fun together. Now it seems like the roles have reversed, and I am the one who complains about the bf ignoring me and not having time for me.

I started reading shit online about how not to set expectations, because once you have expectations on things you are doomed to be disappointed. But there has GOT TO BE a line, where do you draw the line? Is it ok for a bf to say he is free all day and you thought ok, maybe you could have a chat at night, but suddenly he has to entertain guests at dinner? Was I wrong to have had that expectation that we could talk because he said he’d be free all day? I hate to be constantly nagging, but I have to get things off my chest before they start building up, which I’m afraid might have already. I told him I feel like an elastic band that keeps getting stretched, when I feel better it’s stretched again, and I’m afraid it might snap one day. These things are like making pasta, when it’s spilling over you open the lid or lower the fire a bit, but when you put the lid back on it might bubble over again, and if you don’t keep a close eye on it it will just boil over and make a mess. At the same time I don’t want him to feel pressured, and I don’t want him to feel forced to do certain things because of me, and I try to be careful (when I’m not too mad) with my choice of tone and manner and words so as not to make him feel inadequate, or that he’s not being the bf I want. But it’s hard. I know how it feels when I felt pressured to do certain things or behave in certain ways, that happened in my previous relationship. Now that the roles are completely reversed, I don’t want to be the perpetrator and push him away by doing that.

I know we are really good together when we are physically in the same place, but there will be more times when we are not and I’m certainly not very confident about it. If problems are already surfacing now, does that mean it’s the wrong time and place for us to have met? Maybe we are not compatible as a long-distance couple? Is he putting his friends before me because the novelty has passed and when reality hits, he realises that he’s not ready for this? I mean, yeah, we’ve only been together for a couple of months, but we are not kids anymore, we don’t have much time to lose. Or do I set such high standards because I feel like I’m running out of time? Should I be in such a hurry? Well normally I’m not, but maybe I’m afraid I would be dumped because he wants a family and in a few years I won’t be able to give him that? It is his life, he’s entitled to spending it however he wants and with whomever he wants, yes I get that. But his actions make me wonder if I am in a smaller part of the equation than I thought I was in.

“Oft expectation fails, and most oft where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest and despair most sits.” – Shakespeare

Right, so that means I should have no expectations. I should have no expectations that he wants to talk to me, and no expectations that he wants to be with me eventually. Pretty stoic to me, if I was a robot maybe I’d be able to do this without any problems. I can make myself numb, in fact I used to do that a lot, and eventually I was so numb that I could not feel the love anymore, that’s why I sought elsewhere. The side effect of not expecting anything is the shutting down of feelings, so to any of those bullshitters online about how you stopped expecting a red dress from your husband and was equally happy getting a purple dress, what if those expectations are not materialistic? What if there are deeper emotional needs that are expected to be met and are not met? How does that work?

Why do people fall in love?

It’s sweet. It’s nice. It’s fun. It’s exciting. It’s breathtaking. It’s satisfying. It’s magical.

Disneyland can give you all that, or so they claim, so why bother?

It’s bittersweet. It’s frustrating. It’s difficult. It’s heart-wrenching. It’s disappointing. It’s confusing. It’s hard.

How is one supposed to feel when your boyfriend is under the same roof with the ex, being her chauffeur, taking care of the house that they bought together? I think I’m doing good, I’m doing REAL good, for not imploding with reasonable anxiety. Every girl friend I have told, EVERYONE, gives me a pessimistic warning look / tone, telling me to be careful. How am I supposed to feel? Do I act cool? Do I act like I don’t care? Yes I can act like I don’t care, but is that consistent with how I feel? I trust him, logically, but do I emotionally?

I am not sure if being in this extremely risky uncertain situation is making me very happy. Aren’t people supposed to be happy when they’re in love? Why is it so hard and people still do it?

That is just the tip of an iceberg. What I’m really feeling uncomfortable about, is the way I don’t understand what M is doing, which doesn’t seem to be consistent with what he told me – that he wants to sell his house asap so he can be here, with me. He’s always gardening, fixing things in the house. Why does he care so much about a place he’s going to sell? Yes logically, I understand you can sell a place for a better price if it’s well maintained. But psychologically, I wonder if he’s doing that because he doesn’t want to let go, because he’s spent so much time and effort into building a home, hoping to have a family there, and it’s not happening. Does he want to hold on to that broken dream? Now that he’s back there is it bringing back fond memories? Is he so nostalgic that he’s not able to let it go?

I haven’t been very good myself since all these feelings keep surfacing. I have been mean, sarcastic, indifferent, and unkind. I sent him this article about how kindness is the key to making relationships last, I’ve read it before actually, but I want to keep reminding myself, because I have been unkind. But, what about how I feel? I think it’s normal for anyone to have their guards up when they don’t feel secure in a situation, being defensive is a survival instinct, it is also a way to prevent yourself from being hurt. I think we are not communicating well, and the distance is taking its toll. I know he’s not a big texter, but sometimes he responds in seemingly passive-aggressive ways, like not responding or acknowledging what I said while switching topic to something completely unrelated. I think it’s not intentional, because that’s the way he is, but can I be always understanding? I have been in that role in my previous relationship, trying to be the more understanding one, but where did that leave me? Is history repeating itself, this time without me making any mistakes?

I know we were brought up in very different ways. Being a city girl means once I make up my mind on something I’m on full speed. Europeans are not like that. It seems like time is endless to them, that’s why it is NEVER of the essence. The more cultured, more liberal worldview is what I like in European people, but not the slowness. Is this “unbearable slowness of being” an inevitable trade-off? Can a rabbit and a turtle become lovers? Well, maybe. But it will take A LOT of work.

I thought I was trying to go for something simple, but is it supposed to be this hard? I’m also conscious about the fact that I could be sarcastic or condescending sometimes, and I don’t intend to put any pressure on him, if that’s the way he is, but maybe he still feels pressured?

Why do people still fall in love if it’s so damn hard? I guess it’s the feeling of the human connection, it’s being in love and be loved. Can people survive without it? Yes, most certainly. But can life be rewarding and fulfilling without love?