“Are you sure you don’t want her back? Maybe she also doesn’t want to let go.” I asked tonight.
It’s been a rollercoaster hell of a week for me. After I thought M wasn’t spending much time with me, I nagged, I complained, it doesn’t matter how soft the words I chose to use, and how reasonable I seemed, it was enough to make him feel inadequate, that he wasn’t doing a good job as a bf. And it backfired. I gave him so much grief that he actually said he thought he doesn’t deserve me, and he felt bad hurting me like that. We were at the verge of breaking up.
It was also during the time when his friend (a young single girl) was visiting and he was taking her around, to all those places that I said I had wanted to go to when I visit. She gets to do it first, with him, full time. But when I get there later this month, he’s going to be working. While this would’ve been a deal-breaker for a lot of girls, I trust him. Doesn’t mean I didn’t get jealous though.
I called emergency meetings with a few girl friends after that and got very different opinions. J said I was giving him too much pressure all the time, that I need to take it easy and give him more space and time. Another friend, Y said I was right to ask for what I want, and that I should also step back and think hard on whether this is what I want. So I did, I thought really hard, but first, I apologised for being pushy.
Then I read a lot of things online about having expectations, infatuation and type A personality. And it hit me – it was all of the above.
I was not only having expectations, in fact, after all those things he told me about wanting a family and all that, I was painting mental pictures in my head already. In a way I blame him for that, because I was not the one wanting those things, but because of what he said, I wanted to make it my mission to make his dream come true, maybe it’s my co-dependent personality. Maybe I just thought I could make him happy that way. Either way, many of the frustrations I had towards him, as I mentioned before, came from not seeing how he was trying to be with me. I’m not that young anymore, part of me is still scared that he would run off with a younger woman if we are in the same place but I’m no longer able to have a kid. There is that time pressure.
This, combined with my type A personality, makes me sound like this constant nagging and demanding bitch, that I never intended to be. I never thought I was but it does seem like I am a hidden type A. I like to do my best at things, and I am competitive in some ways. Thai boxing is my sport, come on. I am highly critical of myself, and when you are critical of yourself, you might project that on to others, because you expect other people to be like you, and to do things the way you would. Anyway, with expectations come disappointment. The more you expect the easier it is for you to be disappointed, many websites say that, and it’s true.
SO I have decided to let go of my expectations, and let things happen, which might mean instead of taking a year this could take years, and by which time we may or may not be together. Who knows. I was so hung up on the future that I forgot about the present, I am here, and he’s not far away, and we enjoy each other’s company, so why not make the best out of it and see how it goes? If it’s meant to be, it will be. If it’s not, no matter how hard you try, it won’t be.
I’ve also come to terms that, everyone has their own way of doing things, and I should let him do things his own way, in his own timeline. (Which means forever?)
Infatuation is a tough one. I know we have been saying “I love you” to each other, in multiple languages, it certainly felt real, but is it possible to fall in love in such a short amount of time? I wondered about that myself. Then I started reading online about infatuation – possessiveness, jealousy, urgency, erratic, rushing into things, making rash decisions, impatience, meanness, judgemental. It all seemed to fit the bill. It might have been the same for him too. And so now, when reality hits, when real things happen and when real life decisions have to be made, we can’t seem to be able to cope. For me, I wanted it to be all about me, I wanted me to be his first priority, but I was being selfish. I was not trying to be understanding about his situation. But I don’t want to be infatuated anymore, I want to turn this into real love, if he wants to also. I want to be a better person for him, a more patient, kind, loving person. And he’s been making an effort to be more responsive, but is that enough? Is he making a real effort or is it just lip service?
The thing that triggered my question tonight was, that he was supposed to come meet me in London, which we have talked about for a while, before the argument, after we made up after the argument. And he seemed keen. BUT WHY IS HE NOT BUYING THE DAMN TICKET? I checked prices many times already, and even sent him screenshots before. Is he just procrastinating because, well, he is French so he procrastinates, or is he procrastinating because he wanted prices to go up so he would have an excuse not to come? I told him a day ago that prices are still ok now but might go up (for me trying to make a trip over the next weekend, it was not cheap), no response. Today I asked again if he’s going to do that, he said it’s on his list, but on his list there’s also going star-gazing with the ex (yes, I know). By the end of the day I haven’t heard anything about tickets, and he had sent me pictures of the star-gazing, and of her (seriously). I know many sane person would’ve gone mad over this, maybe I’m one of them, and that’s why I asked that question. No response, he had gone to bed, maybe. Or just being indecisive.
My head hurts from thinking about all the possibilities. I know, I am obsessing again, but being so insecure as I have been already and not getting much reassurance is very unsettling. I know I have to let go of my fear of losing him, because again, if it’s not meant to be, it will never be. But that doesn’t mean that my question was not justified. If that is the case, I would like to know.
Sometimes, though, I think I do have double standards. Look at me, I did not even tell X that I will be going to France, because I’m afraid he would ask me what I’m doing in France and I would have to tell him. I don’t want to lie to him anymore, but at the same time, I’m still trying not to hurt him. M’s ex knows I will be there, she also knows that he’s planning to meet me in London – he had to tell her for logistics reasons. In other words, she is fully aware of me and our plans to meet up. I’m not an expert in dealing with exes, but is it possible for an “ex-couple” to be so amicable and so friendly that they would still cook meals for each other and go star-gazing together? I have to admit, I did cook for X after we broke up, and he did for me too, and we hung out for lunches and dinners and hikes, but it was more often before I met M. Still, I would’ve continued to hang out with X if he didn’t tell me that he wanted me back, because truth is, we are really good friends, and we know each other really really well, after all these years. Does that mean I want him back too? No I don’t think so, I just don’t see it working. So am I just staying up late to rant until my head hurts for no reason? I am so confused that I don’t want to think anymore, but I can’t. If somebody took my blood pressure now it would probably be so high that they’d get me sedated. If only there was an off switch for my brain without alcohol involved.
CUPID ARE YOU OK? 