The fight

I have been so busy and overwhelmed in the past month that I haven’t been able to really blog about anything that happened in the last month. The good thing is, M and I are still in a sort-of-stable relationship, even though he is now in France already (which explains the need for me to spend most of my free time on weekends with him and so I had no time to write). In his last week in this part of the world we even went on a trip together, with 2 of his friends who’s a couple. They had planned this trip before he even met me, and I just kind of inserted myself into it because, well, it’s his last week here before I see him in another month while I’m in London.

So we had an amazing month together, there were ups and downs, just like any couple. Even in the first few months it’s not all just flying unicorns and raining marshmallows. Yes he has his flaws, his time management, his forgetting about everything else when he’s in a moment, I know those well already and I have gotten mad over incidents that happened because of those things, but I didn’t stop loving him. And what amazes me is his patience, he always listens to my side of the argument and reflects, and he never raised his voice with me (when admittedly I did with him). Yes of course he would try to defend himself too, but after listening to my reasons for getting mad, he really tries to understand where I’m coming from.

One time he was having his last French lesson with a student and I said I’d just wander nearby and wait for him to finish. He said he’d be done by 6pm, and I said I’d be at a jazz bar nearby at that time. Knowing him I did not arrive at 6 on the dot, I was probably 5-10 minutes late already, but he wasn’t there yet, as expected. It’s his last lesson and he said this student likes to chat so I thought they were probably having a chat, so I sat down and waited. The band was playing as I sat down so I was entertained anyway. I am not the type of girl who would be mad at waiting for half an hour. BUT half an hour went by and he didn’t show, no message either, I texted and asked (jokingly) if he got lost (despite the fact that I was literally 10 mins away), no reply. Typical, I thought. The band had stopped playing by then so I was just reading a magazine, and every 5 minutes or so I would stop and check to see if there’s any messages, nothing.

About 5 minutes to 7pm he messaged and asked me where I was. Still at the jazz bar I said. Finally he showed up a few minutes past 7, kissed me on the cheek as if nothing was wrong. I was about to unleash my anger when his student showed up and said hi, but she could probably tell I was not in a great mood, so she left soon after.

I was so pissed off that I said something like, if you wanted to spend the night with your student you could’ve just told me. I don’t think he got it that I was fuming at that point. He said, but I don’t. And he apologised, but not profusely. I don’t think I saw any intensity in that apology.

He continued to act like nothing happened and asked what I wanted to do and all, and I gave my passive-aggressive responses of “dunno”, and “don’t feel like it”. He stopped trying and started drawing instead. So there I was, sitting there with smoke coming out of my head and ears. And he was just drawing. That made me even more mad. But nobody’s going to change that if I didn’t start, so I said (passive-aggressively) that there’s no point for us being in the same place if he’s just going to draw. He said he thought I didn’t want to talk, and there was nothing he could do if I refuse to communicate. That was true. But did he try to understand why I was angry at that point? I don’t think so. He didn’t even ask. But I went ahead and “unleashed” my explanation anyway. It’s not about the amount of time I was waiting, it’s about the lack of respect, it’s like the moment that I was out of his sight he forgot he had set up a time to meet me, and he didn’t even have the courtesy to check his messages and send me a message telling me that he’d be late. It’s the same as what made me mad on the first 2 dates, the lack of respect for my time. He said he thought I was having a good time listening to jazz, which might have been the case, but to me it doesn’t change the fact that I was waiting for him, and as a responsible human being, if someone is waiting for you, you would let him/her know if you’d be late. It’s not that hard, it’s common courtesy.

If I was in my own city I would’ve left and gone home, I said. And I went on and said things about being responsible and all, and what if he’s supposed to pick up his kid, would he be late for an hour? I might have been exaggerating, but things like this get me thinking about those things. Soon after I said that I started regretting, when he told me that his mom had forgotten to pick him up from school before. Poor kid. It must’ve really hurt him when I expressed my fear that he’d let the same happen to his child.

And then he thought back on his life and said he had a record of behaving like that. He even forgot about appointments he made with friends. I was a bit speechless, but I know it wasn’t on purpose. He is a bit useless when a girl is mad though. All I needed was a hug (a forced one even), an apology, and showers of kisses and apologies. The mistake he made was not even close to being any sort of deal breaker, but I could see that he was so shocked and afraid that he didn’t dare do or say anything, except for looking at me with his sad puppy eyes. Seeing those eyes broke my heart, I could not stay mad at him for long. Immediately I was sorry for being so harsh on him, but I had to let him know that these things matter, before I let myself get used to it, like I did with X’s flakiness, over the years I’ve been with him, and let that chip away the trust and love I had for him.

I am now very conscious about the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’m not sure if M would think I overreacted (honestly I know many girls who would’ve walked away) but I needed to let him know because I DON’T WANT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN. I really want things to work out.

The unwanted ménage à trois

I realise I haven’t written anything in two weeks, I’ve been busy, both at work and personally. In addition to my day job I’ve taken up a few freelance gigs so I have to work on them some nights. Personally I’m still spending most of my weekends with M, I wish I had time to write in details the things I did with M, but unfortunately I didn’t. And things are actually starting to stabilise with him, I’m less obsessed yes, but I still miss him most of the time, and I still look forward to seeing him every weekend, it’s a pleasant feeling, but with less of that nerve-tingling “high”.

There have been bad times too. The week after X told me he wanted me back, I was really tearing myself apart. It’s not that I want to be back with X, that much I know. But I felt bad, and I still do now, for having to hurt him again, I really wish he didn’t say that for me to reject him again. I felt like a horrible person. I met with a male friend of mine, he’s one of the very few people I’d share problems like this with, and after I told him everything, he asked me a question, and he said that’s the only question that matter – if I decide to go with M, and things don’t work out, would I regret that decision? I said, probably a bit, but not a lot. Then he said, you should go for M then, because that’s the worst thing that could possibly happen. But I still feel bad for X, I said, I wish there was a way I could make it easier for him. Then he told me about how it was when he left his ex-wife, he was in a similar situation, and he decided to leave her in the coldest way possible and stayed cold afterwards, he didn’t want her to have any hope at all. My other girl friend said something similar, she said lingering is more cruel than anything. I started crying after he said that, it was heartbreaking for me to think about hurting X again. We finished a bottle, and went on to eat, and we drank more. I was crying a lot by the end of the night as I was walking to the train station, I was drunk, but I was also very very sad. I was so drunk that I missed my stop and went to the end of the line (fortunately I don’t live far from that end of the line), as I went back on the same train I passed by the stop where X lives – and where I used to live, I had a strong urge to leave the train and go see him, but I stopped myself from doing it. I knew I would get back with him if I went to see him that night, and it would’ve been a bad decision, out of guilt and sympathy. He doesn’t need that, and I don’t also.

I felt less bad later in the week. X asked if I was free to go to the movies during the weekend, and I said I wasn’t free over the weekend, which I guess gave a not-so-subtle hint that I was going to meet M on the weekend. He flipped and told me to move my stuff out of my old apartment asap otherwise he’d throw them out. It was awful, but in a way I was a bit more relieved because that made me feel less guilty, the more he treated me like shit the less guilty I felt.

That was the weekend after I went away for a weekend with my girl friend, I survived 12 days without seeing M. Understandably I missed him quite a lot already, but the feelings were mixed with guilt. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally when I saw M that Friday. I cried after sex. He knew I was tired and in a bad mood already, and I told him that the happier I am with him the worse I feel for X. He let me cry on his shoulder, telling me to let the sadness go, and stroking my back as I weeped. We talked about this, and he knew why I feel bad, he said maybe I still have feelings for him, I said I just feel sorry for him because he did all this for me, and now this is what I leave him with, a broken heart. Just writing about this is making me cry again. If I hadn’t met M I would’ve considered going back to X, I told him that. But he said, it’s not because of him (trying to not take too much responsibility yeah I get it), I wanted to move on, going back would’ve been a mistake and I know that, even if I met someone else it would’ve been the same, which is true. But it’s also true that if I hadn’t met him things might have been different, I would’ve gone back to the cycle again perhaps, and wait for it to end again in the same way.

But how do I know things would be different with M? I don’t. Granted, he’s a completely different person, I think our personalities work well with each other. He has a lot more patience than X. But with him going back to France there will be a lot of unknowns again in the equation. I managed to convince my company to let me work in London for a few weeks in August, and I’ll take a week off to be in France, but what happens afterwards? And what will happen a few years down the line? Will he be bored of me? Will I be bored of him? How long will this long-distance thing be and will we be able to pass the test of time and distance?

Is there such thing as moving on?

I have decided to tell my ex (let’s just call him X then) about M while he was back home seeing family. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, and being Portuguese means family is very important for him. I thought it would be easier for him when he’s around family. A little bit condescending maybe, but I just wanted to minimise the hard feelings for him, if any. He just said “ok”. That was it? I thought. OKAY then. After a while he asked me who this guy was, I kept it very simple, an art teacher in the adjacent city, I said. Then he stopped asking.

We didn’t talk for days after that, for the rest of his trip. I was cat sitting for 2 weeks in our old apartment while he was away, then I went for a weekend getaway with a girl friend. M and I got into a bit of an argument while I was away for the weekend but I’ll save that for another post. I texted X after I got back, it was about the cat, I took her to the vet while he was away, turns out she had cat flu, so I had to tell him about the medicine and stuff. It was all quite business-like.

I moved to a new place right after I got back (yup I’m moving every 2 weeks it seems), I have to keep moving because I wanted to have my old apartment back while X tries to look for a job elsewhere and move out of here. At least that’s what he’s been saying. I don’t know how hard he’s been trying but it’s been months. He even asked his boss to let him relocate but again there has been no news about that.

Monday night I asked if he wanted to have dinner so I can pick up some more stuff. I couldn’t  move everything on Sunday. He said ok, so I went to have dinner with him. And then he dropped the bomb on me, he wants to get back together.

WHAT?

In January I thought he made it quite clear when he said, “I think you’re a good person, but this happened, so this is it.” It was loud and clear. I got the message. I took some time to grieve, beat myself up about it, cry myself to sleep. I did that when I moved out, and 2 months after I moved out he said this, and I did that a bit more. I think it’s been a few months at least. He said I started seeing someone real fast. Well, is there a hard and fast rule on how long people should grieve a relationship before they start seeing someone? 3 months? 6 months? A year? How do you define “too soon”? Why the hell does he have to say this now after I told him I’m seeing someone? Why didn’t he say this earlier? I would’ve seriously considered if I hadn’t met M. Even though I know it wasn’t really working for both of us. He said he wanted to try going out on dates again while not living together. Yes that would’ve been a nice idea BEFORE I met M. Things are different now, very different. But then again, what’s the point of going out while living separately? Yes we fought a lot about household arrangements, but don’t people eventually live together? How can you be with someone long-term without living under the same roof? Even though I would’ve agreed and maybe we could’ve rekindled something, what is the point of that if we already know we can’t stand each other when we live together?

I have known him for 17 years. 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is how 17 exclamation marks look like. Pretty substantial right? It was a big part of my life and my formative years. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I wasn’t with him. So in a way, I am who I am now at least partly because of him. But we’ve also grown apart, somehow the passion was gone and we became like roommates, and we were roommates that fought. Is it non-reconcilable? No, if it was I wouldn’t have been able to stand for so many years. But in a way I felt responsible for him being in this part of the world, he’s here because of me. I have used (I don’t want to say “wasted”) 17 years of his life for this relationship, and now I want to tell him that I’ve moved on? Can I do that? What kind of person does that make me? I’m not sure if he’s saying this because he’s still in love with me (he did not say that), or if it’s because he’s a creature of habit, and he’s a very very loyal and particular person. There is only one type of shirts he wears in this world, and he never tried anything else. All of his shirts are the same type, some of them are even identical, that’s how loyal (and stubborn) he is. Over the years we’ve developed this kind of co-dependent relationship, where even though we fought a lot, we never thought it was so bad that we wanted it to end. I thought about it. There were a few times I got so mad that I said to my friends I wish I was single, life would be so much easier if I was single.

Now I feel the same, under completely different circumstances. I will have to do a pros and cons list with X and M, but at the end of the day, the question is, and this is a question I end up asking myself all the time – should I follow my head, or should I follow my heart?

Can I trust my own heart? M is great now, but who am I to know if history would repeat itself if I manage to stay with M? And he won’t even be here for long, he’s going back to France in less than 2 months and even though he wants to be back here, we don’t know how long that’s going to take. So should I give up 17 years of relationship for a 1.5 month one? It doesn’t seem to make sense to me, but should I be asking myself “should I”? Or should I be asking myself “do I want to”?

Je t’aime mon amour

The last weekend M came to spend time with me again. As usual, he had no idea where he was when he got off the bus and he ended up going to a metro station next to the one we were supposed to meet. I walked in my 3.5 inch heels for 15 minutes from the station to the pier where his bus was supposed to stop, only to find out that he walked to another metro station. Once again I told him to stay there, and jumped into a taxi to get him. I was slightly annoyed but, I couldn’t stay mad at him for long. I have accepted the fact that this is going to happen every time we meet, and I would always have to go to him. But I’ll always manage to find him in the end. It’s kind of poetic in a way.

Speaking of being poetic, I made a drawing for him to explain to him how he can find the bus to get here. It is actually a bit complicated and since he’s a visual person, I thought drawings should help. I’m sure he was happy about this gesture, given the fact that I can’t draw and I have told him that. I reminded him again on where to get on the bus, and he said, “Don’t worry I will always find you, no border will stop me.” I could feel my heart melting.

I was with my ex’s common friends (he’s out of town) on Friday night and I had to excuse myself to meet M. I haven’t told my ex, and so I can’t tell this group of common friends either, some of them know but I’ve told them not to say anything to the rest. I will have to tell my ex soon.

We went to an Italian place for dinner. Over dinner we talked a bit about what we want to do about us. I was worried that he would want to end things when he leaves, because he told me that he didn’t want a long-distance relationship, in fact that was the reason he gave me when he didn’t want to continue after our first date. But now we’re talking about different continents rather than adjacent cities. He said he’d want to be in my city after his property in France gets sorted, but he doesn’t know how long that will take. I said I can wait, and I can visit him in between. He seemed happy about that. I was relieved. It won’t be easy, I know, with me being insecure and paranoid about almost everything. Knowing me I might go a little bit crazy, but I did spend a long time in a long-distance relationship (not again!) so I guess I do know a thing or two about how to make it work. The problem is myself though. I do have faith in him, but I sometimes feel abandoned and ignored when I don’t get any response from him, even now. I always thought I was a mature and sensible person, but when it comes to love, I lose my sensibility. I become this co-dependent person who is constantly worried that the person she loves will suddenly stop loving her.

Love is an obsession. But sometimes I wonder if my obsession is a bit too much, and I’m worried if it becomes too much to the other person. M is a bit of a narcissist, so maybe he’d like this much attention. I think about the people I fell for before sometimes, have I ever felt the same? Yes I think I have, but I don’t always remember everything now. If M and I don’t end up being together, will I forget about things with him – these feelings of ecstasy, the fleeting moments of pure joy and content of being completely immersed in love, will I forget them? Will these feelings go away? I don’t want them to, is it inevitable?

There were a few people whom I was very much in love with, including my ex. Do I feel anything towards them now? Yes, I still think of them sometimes, but it’s not the same anymore. It’s like thinking about myself when I was still in school, I still have fond memories of the past, but I know I am not the same person anymore, and there is no way I could go back and become the same person again, not that I would want to anyway.

I daydream a lot more now. I fantasize about us being together, I close my eyes and feel his hugs and kisses sometimes, I imagine how our wedding would be like. BUT I HATE WEDDINGS! WHAT HAVE I BECOME? I really didn’t care about weddings, and I still feel the same now, but more and more I think I’m excited by the idea of spending the rest of my life with him. I don’t think I have ever felt this way with someone, without ANY doubt at all. I am so absolutely sure that right now, he is the only person I want to be with. Forget about open relationships, he is all I need. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to find someone who checks most of the boxes, no he’s not perfect, but his flaws are certainly not deal breakers, and I’ve learnt to love his imperfections. I wonder if he’d think the same about me too?

I did think about spending the rest of my life with my ex, in fact it was even “assumed” that that was supposed to happen, but I had my doubts. More than once I wondered if I could stand him for the rest of my life. Perhaps that’s why we never felt motivated enough to make that commitment, was it just an excuse when we said we didn’t care about marriage? I don’t know.

I ask myself all these questions that I’m unable to answer now. Is that how it’s supposed to be when you’re in love? Have I become so unrecognisable that I don’t even know myself anymore? I’m worried about losing myself, but I’m even more worried about losing him than losing myself. Is that healthy? Should I be thinking more about myself instead?

I finally mustered up the courage to tell my ex. I was worried that he wouldn’t take it well so I waited until he’s back home to see his family to tell him. He said ok, asked me who this guy is, but not much afterwards. This is it. I have reached the point of no return, there’s no going back to the past anymore. I felt sad, not because I wanted to be back together with my ex, I know it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t help feeling sad. It is a big change for me. Even though we can’t be together he has still been a very big part of my life. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I didn’t meet him. I have no idea how things will go now, whether we’ll be able to be friends or not, but I hope we will.

All of a sudden I’m overwhelmed by insecure feelings. I am unsure about everything and doubting everything again. There is only one way to move on, which is forward, but are things between M and I going to work out?

The first night we slept together this weekend he started saying Je t’aime, and he called me mon amour, which is extremely sweet, even though my French is still nearly non-existent, but I know what those words mean. I used to think that if I don’t know a language any words in that language won’t make me feel anything, but I could feel it when he said them. And I said it back to him (no idea if my accent was good or not). Love is a universal language, after all. He used to say that cherie is too sweet and he would only call someone that when he’s really in love, and he called me that. Why am I still doubting? Why have I lost confidence in myself completely? How can I stop obsessing over whether he’s thinking about me or not in the last 3 hours? I find this behavior ridiculous, but I don’t know how to stop it. Is there something wrong with me? Do I act like this on purpose to jeopardize a good relationship because I think I’m not worthy of it? I am so in love and so worried about losing him that I can’t help being completely obsessed about every minor detail, and I’m worried that my paranoia will drive him away. It is a vicious cycle.

The naughty teacher

I woke up on Sunday next to M sad. Not sure if it was because of Before Sunrise, or just my pent up feelings, because I know he’ll be leaving. I watched him as he was breathing evenly in his sleep, and I started crying, or more like weeping as I didn’t want to wake him up. But then I couldn’t stand watching him so I turned away and let tears stream down my face, it went on for probably an hour.

Finally he woke up, I forgot what he said but I started crying on his shoulder. I don’t want to let him go. He’s not good at comforting people, I knew that much. And he just said that I’m thinking about the negative side again, and that he’s not here to make me cry. What can I do to make you stop crying? He asked. I dunno, I said. At some point we started kissing and things started to get steamy again. I said I needed to get protection and left the room, and in addition to condoms I got one of my boxing wraps.

I started tying him up, he was all for it. I knew he’d like it. I put the wrap around the back of his neck, made a few twists with the two ends around his chest, asked him to turn around and tied his hands up around the wrists. I have to admit, I’ve tied people up before and I’ve been tied up before, but it was never this elaborate. I wasn’t sure it would work either, but apparently I’m a bit of a natural, it seems. I was careful to make sure it wasn’t too tight and I asked if it’s ok a few times. I’m not trying to write 50 shades of grey here, I think I’ve mentioned that before, but I think it is necessary to write about this. To me sex is a way of communication, and at that moment I was emotional because I didn’t want to let him go, so in a way I was not letting him go by tying him up. I spanked him, and he liked it. I played him like a doll by pulling away from kisses, pushing him away just to grab him by the “tie” I made to kiss him when I wanted to. I let him watch me touch myself without being able to touch me. He looked at me with his helpless eyes, oh those eyes, like a lost deer being preyed on by a tiger, I was so turned on by them. He called me his mistress, I didn’t know that this is the word people use in BDSM. I am actually quite new to this, admittedly. I slapped his chest when he was too loud, and told him to shut up. I choked him a little because I know he likes it. He told me to bite him, so I bit him while being on top of him and he loved it. I always thought I was the submissive one, but being a dominatrix is not bad either. It was a great way to channel my emotions so I could stop feeling bad and start feeling in control.

I came while being on top, and then I untied him and let him do whatever he wanted to with me. It was beyond great. I love sleeping with him. I was feeling much better after this session, and I could tell he enjoyed it a lot too. This is something I have never done before, and I like being able to explore different things with him, I never felt really comfortable doing that with other guys. I experimented a little with D, but I was not “coached”.

We had our little chat after sex, about the sex itself, and at one point we started talking about baby names (!) WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? What’s happening to me? Am I turning into these boring girls who only want to get married and have kids? Those whom I have despised? Has he changed me? What have I become? I met with a friend recently and she was shocked at how much I’ve changed. She has never seen me like this before, like a sweet teenage girl in love. I was always this cool chick who never gave a shit about marriage, but now I know I would PROBABLY say yes if he asked me to marry him. In fact, I jokingly mentioned over text once that we should get married and see if it works, because I was doubting the fact that people can stay in love forever. His parents would be happy because they wanted to see him get married and have kids, I said. He said it was the first time ever that he got proposed to over text. WHAT DID I DO???Am I getting ahead of myself? What’s wrong with me? Is my biological clock causing this?

That day we did make breakfast, but we ended up skipping lunch altogether. A while after breakfast we started kissing again, this time he asked me to finger him, and I did. He was so turned on that I was afraid my neighbours could hear, but it was amazing, I love being able to turn him on and make him come, over and over again. I make it my mission to do everything to make him feel good. I’m happy to be his mistress, with him as my teacher.

The L word

M came to visit over the weekend. It’s a public holiday on Monday over here so we had a long weekend together. I was slightly apprehensive about spending a long weekend as it’s more than a night, it’s possible that things could go wrong. But it didn’t.

I had the most amazing weekend with him. Apart from the usual hiccup with him and transportation (I have come to terms with the fact that he’s just not good at navigating on his own, which is fine because I’m good at navigating). So this time I had my usual rowing practice on Saturday afternoon. In the morning I moved on my own, with the help of a driver. These days many problems can be solved in the world if you don’t mind paying, especially if you live in a big city. Any kind of specific service you can think of, there’s probably an app or someone out there who can help. It might have bothered me a little bit that M said he’d be happy to help, but turns out he can’t. I’m not too bothered though since it wasn’t so difficult anyway.

At 4.22pm, he was at the border of his town. I thought I was going to be late because my practice only finishes after 6, but once again I was wrong. I got to the metro station near my place after 7pm. And he arrived at around the same time, so fortunately it worked out fine. He just had to wait for me to take a shower before we went for dinner. We were both tired so I just chose a place for Japanese ramen near where I live. I was originally going to suggest taking a walk after dinner, but it was raining lightly so we just stayed out for a cigarette instead. He wanted to go to a bar but there’s no bar near where I live, so we ended up just getting a beer to go back to my apartment. When we got back to my place I showed off my chromecast (he’s not very tech-savvy), then I suggested watching Before sunrise because it reminds me of us, I told him. He seemed to like the movie, but he was too tired to finish watching it, so we went to bed, but of course there’s no “going to bed” for us without getting our hands on each other. He was less tired then  😛

The next morning we “tried” to get out of bed early, but failed as expected. Once our lips touch it’s impossible for them to part. I love the kisses and cuddles and chats after sex in bed, and on this particular day I felt like it was time to say the three words. I struggled for a while, is it too soon? Will I scare him off? But I said it. I thought it was the right moment. There’s something I wanted to tell you, I said. He turned towards me, I put my hand on his face lightly and half-whispered, “I love you.” He kissed me right after, passionately. That didn’t give me time to regret. I buried my head into his neck afterwards and asked, I’m sorry did I say it too soon? He said no, I forgot what the reason was. Then we talked about being in love and I said to him again that love is an obsession. I asked him how he’s like when he’s in love, he said he does everything he does with me. And I kissed him. Then I understood, there are questions that don’t need to be answered.

Finally we managed to get out of bed because we were starving, if we weren’t hungry I think we would’ve stayed some more. I wanted to take him to a beach nearby and have brunch there, but there was a huge line waiting for the bus, so we decided to just go eat first. It was already lunch time so we had lunch instead of brunch. Tomorrow we are going to get up early because breakfast is important, he said. I’m going to get bacon and eggs today so we can make breakfast at my place, I said. You know how to make a man fall for you, he said, smiling while holding my hand. Then we started talking about everything again, the French bureaucracies, how they compared to how things are in my city, I told him how easy it should be for him to be here to get a job, among other things e.g. sex toys. We talked about so many things now I’m starting to not remember things. Am I starting to forget things already? No, all I remember are his hugs, his kisses, and the way he holds my hand while we’re eating.

We went back to get the bus to the beach, and as we were waiting, he said, “I love you.” It’s not the most romantic spot to say those words I reckon, but what the hell, I got on my toes and kissed him (he’s not tall for a French person but I’m short), in front of 12 other people in line for the bus and probably hundreds of people passing by. We had to stop to get on the bus.

I’m flying on cotton candy clouds with rainbows and unicorns next to me again. But there are black clouds looming above, he’s leaving in two months. He needs to go back to France to sort out a property with his ex. I’ve always known that, he didn’t try to hide that fact, and I thought it was fine because as long as we have a good time together, who cares what happens next? I’m a hedonist, I have told him that, he said he is too. But now I think I’m in too deep to let him go. When he’s gone I am going to fall off those clouds and really hurt myself, no unicorn will catch me when I fall. We’re like two matches setting each other on fire, who started it first? Who cares. When you put a match against a lit up match it gives a small explosion, and that’s what it is, powerful and beautiful, yet weak and short-lived. We let them explode, we let them burn, as bright as they can go. Not very slowly, but surely, the matches will stop burning.

Que reste-t-il de nos amours?

Second thoughts

I know it hasn’t been long since I’ve been with M, but there are already times when I have second thoughts about it. It’s partly because I don’t trust myself, but also because I’m constantly reminding myself not to be blinded by my own infatuation.

So now I’m going to make a pros and cons list. Let’s start with the cons because I’d rather end with the pros.

Cons

1. He is horrible with logistics. Being in adjacent cities means we’re going to have to do a lot of “traveling”. He lives about an hour away from the border of my city, and from the border to the centre it takes about another hour. For a normal person that means it should take 2 hours, but first time he came over to see me he took 5. FIVE FREAKING HOURS!!! Granted, he didn’t know the way and it’s hard for him to ask in English, because few people speak English on his side. But he doesn’t seem to mind, it gets on my nerves sometimes when he says getting lost is part of the fun. I don’t know if this is considered “romantic” by the French, but me sitting there waiting 2 hours is definitely not my kind of romantic. Sure, I like to get lost sometimes too when time is not of the essence, but if he’s coming to see ME shouldn’t he want to be here as soon as he can? Or does he not care about seeing me earlier? I feel like I’ll have to go to him more than he comes to me if I want to make this work.
2. His plans are “fluid”. Ok, so let’s face it, planning is not his strong forte, that’s fine. I’m not super good at planning either, but I do have to do a fair bit of planning at work, and so for me getting things at least sort of planned out usually makes it a lot more efficient. I’m not like those TJ personalities (referring to the MBTI test) who are absolute control freaks and would flip out if things don’t go according to plan. I’d like to think of myself as a pretty flexible person. Happy to adapt to different situations, even when things don’t go according to plan. Being spontaneous can be fun sometimes, but changing minds every 2 minutes and not being decisive on things can also be a bit frustrating.
3. He’s not always around. I am a pretty independent person, but to me being in a relationship does mean having someone to rely on and count on. Although he said he only has a few friends, he is very close to his friends and they’re always out and about partying and stuff. Many of them are girls. Am I jealous? Maybe a little. Would be better if he actually find time to text me once in a while. I don’t want to sound like I need people to text me and let me know what they’re doing 24/7. I don’t need that, but a text every now and then when you’re out would be nice. Ok I know it might be hard because I don’t always do that also. Am I being too needy and possessive already? I don’t want to be that kind of girlfriend. If I’m jealous with friends already how the hell can I say I can handle open relationships? Not that we’ve agreed to that, we have talked about it and we both decided that it is way too complicated and neither of us have time for that now.
4. He’s not very empathetic in texts. One of the hardest things when you can’t always see each other (I wouldn’t call a 2 hour distance long-distance but it’s similar in essence) is that you can’t tell the other person’s expressions and tone in texts. I was sick for a few days earlier this week and he still had the heart to make jokes. Maybe he was trying to cheer me up, but that was not what I needed when I was sick. I didn’t need any of his humour, all I needed was some TLC. Maybe that is the difference between me and him, I show my affection with words and he shows his through actions. He’s just not capable of showing it with words. But he did though, when he said he missed me. So WHY???
5. He is a bit narcissistic. Yes that is what my friend told me about “artistic people”, and I have started to notice that. For some reason my problems don’t seem to be problems for him, but I do care a lot about his problems. But then again, not sure if this is related to the texting issue.
6. He doesn’t always deliver what he promised. So he had originally promised to help me move, but turns out he has a lesson that day so he won’t be free until night time, which obviously doesn’t work for me. Maybe he didn’t really want to help, which is really not a problem for me because I can manage, but one thing I don’t like is when people over-promise and under-deliver. That is something I always try to avoid.

Wow… looks like I had a lot to rant about already… hmm ok now on to the pros. Hopefully it’ll make me feel better.

Pros

1. He IS romantic. He might not have given me any flowers (not that I like them anyway), but the way he slowly brushes the hair away from my forehand and kisses me, the way he holds my hand at dinner and brushes my arms when he talks to me, the way he kisses my hand while looking at me, the way he kisses my shoulder… AND, he sketched me. I’m not sure if this means much to him, but it was probably the most romantic thing anyone has ever done to me. Probably? To me it’s not about the mood or how much money you splash on romantic stuff, wanting to do something nice and unique just for me is pretty damn romantic already. (Wait until someone writes me a song)
2. What… uh is that it? No there’s gotta be more. Yes he is a good kisser. No need for elaboration.
3. And he’s good in bed too. Not going to elaborate further also. Although, he seems to be into all kinds of kinky stuff that I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep up. I mean I’m pretty regular and I like the regular stuff, and it’s good to make it fun every now and then, but I worry if he’d get bored of me soon. That is my constant worry.
4. He has a good sense of humour. I think I’ve mentioned that multiple times in my previous posts. And I do like people who can make me smile and laugh all the time. Sometimes I’m not sure if he’s really like that all the time, or he’s just doing that because he knows I like it. Well either way it does make me smile, except when I was sick.

Really? 6-4?? The odds are against him already even though he’s a moon Libra and I’m a moon Sagittarius, and we are supposed to be “harmonious”.

Wow… I need to take it easy and maybe consider not deleting OKC just yet. Or, I need to spend more time figuring out why I like him so much.

The breakup

I broke up with D, finally.

Was going to do this earlier this week but I got sick and had very little energy for a couple of days, and when I’m feeling slightly better today I got a text from D. I haven’t said anything to him since I met M over the weekend, and he hasn’t texted either. He could’ve guessed this was going to happen, and maybe that’s why he didn’t say anything. He asked if I was alright, I told him I’ve been sick. And then I said it. I said I can’t do this anymore because I think I’m in love, and I don’t want to be with anyone else but M.

I don’t think I was ever in love with D. Like I said, it was supposed to be just for fun. I’m not sure if I was giving myself an excuse by making it an open relationship. I went through the infatuation phase with D, just like I did with everyone else, I was blinded, even though I could see his flaws, I just chose to ignore them.

The first reason I gave him was that I’m in love with someone else, which is only partially true. I wanted to end things with D before I met M, I just didn’t know how. I couldn’t just say it to him that he is a manipulative drama queen who puts his pleasure before my request, time after time, after I ask and ask multiple times for him not to do that. I have been resenting that, so the second reason I gave him was that. He didn’t take it very well. He was the one who asked me what I resented though, so he did ask for it. I had imagined he would try to put blame on me instead, because that’s what he does, and he did. Everything is on me, as usual.

And he soon turned nasty, attacking me and saying that I’m not honest enough to be in an open relationship. That is bullshit. My honesty turned into endless drama and opportunity for him to make vindictive comments. I was tired of dealing with that, and emotionally drained.

Now that it’s officially over, I’m more relieved than anything. Angry maybe, with all the nasty things he said in the end. But not even a tiny bit of sadness, none. I’m just glad it’s over, and now I only have M, which is great. I hope it stays this way.

It will be a lot harder to tell my ex, because unlike D, he’s not a jerk, and I still care about him, it’s just that I don’t know since when, it has became more like a friendship than a relationship.

One thing at a time.

Goodbye OKC?

In between kisses he said, I love your lips. I could tell my eyes widened when I heard the first two words, I was surprised and a bit taken aback. I buried my head into the pillow and gave a sigh of relief when I heard the last two words, but I was slightly disappointed. I know I wouldn’t be able to believe him if he said the three words, it’s too soon, but I would still be glad, and I would probably be able to say it back.

There were times those three words almost slipped out of my mouth, and I needed to hold myself back from saying it to M, I don’t want to scare him off. It might be too much too soon for him. It’s very different from when I was with D. I was not sure how to respond when he first said those words, it was too much too soon for me. I don’t say those words lightly, because I only say it when I mean it. Many times I felt like I was forced to say it to D, just because he said it so many times and was always disappointed that I respond with “I know”.

Finally we managed to get out of bed, motivated by empty stomachs.

On the way to lunch we were on a long metro ride, so we were talking about our relationships again. I told him I’m going to end things with D. I know where he stands on that since he was encouraging me to do it when I told him I was feeling emotionally drained with D. Maybe it’s to his advantage that’s why he was so supportive, but I really wanted to do it already after I met D the last time. I was just procrastinating.

I think my ex wanted to get back together, I said. All the stars must be aligned for me in April in terms of guys! But unfortunately that only adds to my anxiety. He said I should just tell him I’m seeing someone, unless I want to get back together also. I shook my head. I don’t think it works, but I don’t know how to say no, I’m really bad at saying no. And I don’t want to hurt him anymore.

It was a rainy day so after lunch he took me to a museum to see a fashion design exhibition that he wanted to see. I was quite exhausted already after the exercises on Saturday, and the “sexercises” afterwards, plus I was carrying my backpack around as I was going back at night, so we were going around by taxi. He never offered to carry my backpack for me, but I did say that I never ask guys to carry my stuff if I can carry them myself. He insisted that I lean on him on taxis, I happily obliged. When I was leaning against him, sometimes he would slowly brushes my hair away from my forehead and kisses me. I like the way he does that.

He said, it’s always romantic with you. And I said, even with the rain? He said, you read my mind. I was thinking the same too.

He had to give a private French lesson that day, while we were sitting in a quiet bar waiting for his student, he started checking his phone. I made fun of him about that because he implied I was an internet addict when I asked the French patisserie for the wifi password the night before. He put his phone away after I said that, and said he’d draw me, since we’re both tired. I was so glad he asked, I know I made it to his sketchbook a few times, but looking at me and drawing me is a bit different, and I’ve always wanted to watch him sketch. I told him to make me look good, of course.

I knew I probably looked tired, but it was the perfect time that he said he wanted to draw me, because I was so exhausted that I could not really talk much. I wasn’t sure where to look, but I like the way he was looking at me intently, so I just looked at him with one hand on my chin and a smile. People working at the bar looked over his shoulder from behind as they were passing by, a girl smiled after seeing that he was sketching me. I might not have a supermodel-like hot guy or a rich man to flaunt, but I was flaunting my artist boyfriend. It was so so sweet. We talked a bit while he was sketching, and a few times I wanted to reach over and kiss him, but I couldn’t because he told me not to move. He had the same problem too, which is probably why I ended up having uneven eyebrows, a mouth that is too wide and arms that are too fat (in my opinion).

It was on the last page of his sketchbook, and I hope I get to fill more of his new one. His sketchbook is his visual diary, and this blog is kind of my diary, although his describes events and mine has more of my thoughts in it. A friend said to me that artistic people are narcissistic. Maybe. I think he’s the kind of guy who likes to be adored, maybe that’s why he had a change of heart after reading my first few posts about him. I could be feeding into his narcissism by wanting to know everything about him, that’s fine for me, because I do want to know. But will that change? Will I find him caring only about himself but not me?

We had dinner after his lesson, he needed to go before 10 to catch the metro. I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t want to go with me to catch my bus, but he lives far from the city so I wouldn’t want him to miss his train. He reached out with his arms across the table to hold my hand at dinner. There was still a bit of time before he had to go so we went for another drink, he wanted to take me to a fancier place. I didn’t want a table between us so I told him to sit next to me on the couch instead. I leaned against him while we were sipping our whiskeys, ignoring other restaurant diners as we kissed. I had asked him to help me move next weekend and he said yes, even though I don’t have much to move, it’s nice to get some help. If he won’t be late, that is. We’ll see.

Then he asked me, we’ve been out on a few dates, do I have a rule on making it official? As in boyfriend and girlfriend. I hadn’t really thought about that, and I don’t have a rule on that. So I said, I don’t have any rules on that, but I have been telling friends that I’m seeing him, so I guess it is up to him. I don’t think he said anything, we sealed it with a kiss. It’s official.

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered

I spent the Saturday night and most of Sunday with Mr M. It was the best weekend I’ve had for a while.

I know I was getting a bit obsessed with him, so instead of going to meet him for the full weekend, I tried to go about my life as usual. On Saturday I went for a hike in the morning with the ex (he was the one who wanted to do the hike, which was rare), and I had a rowing practice in the afternoon. So I did all those things, and rushed home to take a shower before I took off to meet M on a bus. I barely made it to the bus, by a minute, but I needed to shower because I didn’t want to smell bad when I finally see him.

Before I got to his side of town I texted and let him know that I got on the bus ok. We already set up a place to meet, but then he asked me to go to another place instead (typical), which I was not familiar with, so I asked if he’s sure he wants to change places, to be honest I didn’t care, I just wanted to see him asap. So he said fine he’ll go to the original place, slightly disappointed it seems.

Following his detailed instructions (I made fun of him not giving good directions, so he sent me very detailed ones afterwards), I found the cafe he was sitting in, sketching. I sneaked up to him and put my face close to him to give him a kiss, I found you, I said, and then a big hug. It’s good to see you, I said. Big grin on my face, despite probably looking a bit tired already. He seemed happy to see me too.

He wanted to take me to a romantic area with restaurants and bars, and in the metro he lost his directions, how cute. We kissed passionately on escalators, ignoring completely the stares of passerbys – maybe some with disgust, but we didn’t care.

We had a nice romantic dinner outdoor, despite me being feasted on by mosquitos for a bit. I was starving when I got there as it was quite late already, but when the food came I couldn’t eat a whole lot (typical). We talked about everything again – from witchcraft to horoscope to religion (this always comes up) to parents. Our conversation continued on to dessert, when he took me to a French patisserie (of course), while he had his creme brulee and I had my chocolate cake with a rose petal. I’m not sure if he wanted to show off his romantic capabilities, it worked. We made out at the patisserie while we were sitting in a mini garden discussing urban development. Our lips couldn’t be parted for more than a song. It was late already by the time we finished desserts, and I was pretty knackered so although there is a jazz bar right there we decided to just head back to his place.

Sleeping with him was amazing. He’s so tender, so gentle, it’s indescribably good. Probably because I was so turned on already with the talks and making out. I get turned on by stimulating or inspiring conversations, and he does too. I’m constantly worried though, that he’d be bored with me once I’m out of tricks.

He didn’t seem to be bored of me the next day yet, in fact, we barely left the bedroom. I like to chat a bit in between kisses after sex. For some reason people seem to be more open to sharing more when they’re naked, that’s the case for me at least. So we talked about past relationships again. And I could not believe the number of years he could endure in an unsatisfying relationship, well I guess I wasn’t so much better also. We are similar in many ways, and this is just one of them. The only difference is, I have problems trusting myself.

I think love is an obsession sometimes, I said. When you’re obsessed with someone you are blinded, and you don’t see any of their flaws, but when you’re finally able to see, those things become problems. He thinks it is too, but everyone is the same.

We tried to shower together but it turned out to be another opportunity to make out again. He retired to make breakfast while I finished off showering. We had breakfast in his balcony, it’s a nice balcony overlooking a school campus, trees and a small slope, very different from the bustling city. I have no idea how we ended up in the bedroom again after breakfast, but we needed another shower a while later. We’re never gonna leave this bedroom are we, I joked about it. I’m glad and flattered that I was able to turn him on multiple times. It was an ego boost, especially after years of unsatisfying sex for both of us.

You’re a sex lifesaver, he said. I hope I am a bit more than that. He was sexually frustrated in his previous relationship, but he wanted to marry her, still. 

Sex is not just about orgasms, it’s about communicating with the other person through the body. It can be frustrating and ego-hurting if the other person doesn’t seem to enjoy it.

I’m glad he didn’t go through with the marriage.

I feel like I hit jackpot, after I heard so many disappointing stories from friends and read about them online. M is the first guy I met on OKC, and it worked out so well that it is beyond imagination. It’s unbelievable and insane. I haven’t checked or talked to anyone on OKC much these days, my heart and my mind are so full of M that I have no space for any other people now.